29 January 2009

Day One Hundred Thirty-Two.

I have been trying to explain myself and get this rant out that I have for awhile now, but I don't know how. I am just going to say what I am feeling. I have had some medical "road bumps" or so it seems because nothing has or is stopping me from life. At times it gets to me, but honestly most of the time I don't even realize I have two rods in my back or that I cant bend and twist like everyone else around me. Four years ago next month I had rods put in my back to help correct my scoliosis. At the time I had two pretty severe curves, but my spine began to twist and I knew long term it was the best option for me.

For the next three years after that surgery I had great check ups. The fusion took place and my rods were stable. I have felt amazing since I overcame that surgery. When I had my appointment this year to have xrays and check my curves they seem to have moved. They are now at 17* and 20* instead of the 10* and 11* they were two years ago. My doctor tried easing my mind telling me I had far more important things to worry about (aka my husband in Iraq), but stressed how important it was for me to come back next year for xrays. We discussed the possibility of surgery if it were to get worse and that if I felt it was to go to the doctor.

Back track again about eight years ago after I was told I had anxiety I became OCD about my health. I mean if I have a bump Ill be WebMDing the crap out of it and freaking out it is the worst of worst. They say when you have anxiety you focus your negative energy on one thing and unfortunately for me it was my health. So here I am again worried since my back has been hurting in the past week or so.

Now I just cant get it off my mind. I think what scares me the most of everything is just being alone. I hate to think of having to go through something like that and how real the possibility could be and have my husband not there. I mean if I needed surgery in six months the Army more than likely wouldn't send him home for it. It just sucks that something like that makes me feel truly alone.

Annnnnd on top of that I am so ready for a family. I have felt that way on and off for the past year, but I feel more ready than ever to be a mom. I want to take that next step in life soon after deployment and it breaks my heart if there is a chance we will have to put it off for something. I know we could always have children later, but I just really have my fingers crossed that it happens soon for us and nothing comes in the way of that. Call me selfish to say that, but I have always worried something will and now it feels like a possibility. I just cant wait to have a little Jason running around the thought of seeing a smaller version of my husband makes my heart melt.


jlc said...

And you just made MY heart melt.... I pray that you get to start your family soon after he comes back. I know what you mean about wanting a "little him." :(

My friend has the same thing with her back and she always had to be careful during gym and whatnot. I just pray that this doesn't affect your plans.

Thanks for sharing such a personal part of your life with us...

d.a.r. said...

Oh my gosh I am so sorry to hear this. Medical stuff makes me totally freak out as well.

Just think though, if you have to have it done, it may be easier without being preggo or chasing after little ones while you are recovering!!

Thanks for sharing your story, sometimes the personal stuff is the scariest stuff to hit "publish" on.

J.L.S. said...

I have known a couple of people with pretty bad scoliosis. I'm so sorry that you are worried about everything right now on top of your hubby. It is never fun, nor easy, when stuff like this springs up during a deployment. It makes you feel 100 times more alone.

I am praying for you! And, I hope you get to start your family soon! :)

Mrs. Mootz said...

I'm so sorry that this is happening especially with you also being worried about your husband. I hope that things turn out okay.

Thank you for sharing this part of your life. I'm sure it's not easy.

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