I think the saddest part of turning twenty-six for me was not being a mom. I have always told J since the day we started talking about children after we met that I wanted to be a mom by the time I turn twenty-six. Well little did I know that life doesn’t happen like you plan it to happen or according to your timeline. Every time we try something new I feel like “this is it!” and then when the phone call comes that the blood work was negative I feel hopeless. This time around I feel extra hopeless. It is so hard to understand why you can’t do something that should be able to happen naturally.
I didn’t mention it in the last jibber jabber of baby talk, but at the time we were undergoing our first round of IUI. For those that are unfamiliar with what this is it is intrauterine insemination (with a name like that of course it goes by IUI). The procedure is performed by threading a very thin flexible catheter through the cervix and injecting washed sperm directly into the uterus. I know, sounds fun, right? We have now attempted this twice. Both times we have paid for a double IUI meaning you take a shot that makes you ovulate (and makes me EXTRA sick) and the following two mornings you go in for the procedure. Tricare doesn’t pick up a dime of the tab and the whole procedure can be very pricey. By no means are we “broke", but the joke is this baby is using his or her college tuition before even being conceived.
I asked J to go with me after the second one to get a referral to at least get on the waiting list for IVF. This procedure is in vitro fertilization. This essentially means that the meeting of egg and sperm that result in a fertilized egg or embryo occur in a laboratory and then are inserted into the uterus. Sounds like even more fun, right? This is the last option after trying everything else for many couples including us. : ) From what I understand the waiting list to have this done where we would have to travel to can be very long and the procedure can be timely. Of course we will have to pay out of pocket for this as well so at this point I hate to stop “trying” so we can save, but between infertility costs, the dreaded bills of life, and paying for school we really need to save for the possibility that IVF is our next attempt to try to have the family we are dreaming of. After the last IUI attempt I have felt completely hopeless and never wanted to get to the point that this was the last option before adoption, but now that feeling is starting to sink in.
It is so hard to not feel punished as you continue to ask, “Why me?” We have so much love and a stable home to provide for a child of our own and hopefully one day it will happen for us.
Until then keep calm and carry on,