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11 January 2011

Baby Babble

I think the saddest part of turning twenty-six for me was not being a mom. I have always told J since the day we started talking about children after we met that I wanted to be a mom by the time I turn twenty-six. Well little did I know that life doesn’t happen like you plan it to happen or according to your timeline. Every time we try something new I feel like “this is it!” and then when the phone call comes that the blood work was negative I feel hopeless. This time around I feel extra hopeless. It is so hard to understand why you can’t do something that should be able to happen naturally.

I didn’t mention it in the last jibber jabber of baby talk, but at the time we were undergoing our first round of IUI. For those that are unfamiliar with what this is it is intrauterine insemination (with a name like that of course it goes by IUI). The procedure is performed by threading a very thin flexible catheter through the cervix and injecting washed sperm directly into the uterus. I know, sounds fun, right? We have now attempted this twice. Both times we have paid for a double IUI meaning you take a shot that makes you ovulate (and makes me EXTRA sick) and the following two mornings you go in for the procedure. Tricare doesn’t pick up a dime of the tab and the whole procedure can be very pricey. By no means are we “broke", but the joke is this baby is using his or her college tuition before even being conceived.

I asked J to go with me after the second one to get a referral to at least get on the waiting list for IVF. This procedure is in vitro fertilization. This essentially means that the meeting of egg and sperm that result in a fertilized egg or embryo occur in a laboratory and then are inserted into the uterus. Sounds like even more fun, right? This is the last option after trying everything else for many couples including us. : ) From what I understand the waiting list to have this done where we would have to travel to can be very long and the procedure can be timely. Of course we will have to pay out of pocket for this as well so at this point I hate to stop “trying” so we can save, but between infertility costs, the dreaded bills of life, and paying for school we really need to save for the possibility that IVF is our next attempt to try to have the family we are dreaming of. After the last IUI attempt I have felt completely hopeless and never wanted to get to the point that this was the last option before adoption, but now that feeling is starting to sink in.

It is so hard to not feel punished as you continue to ask, “Why me?” We have so much love and a stable home to provide for a child of our own and hopefully one day it will happen for us.

Until then keep calm and carry on,

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5 comments:

aladyandhermechanic said...

T, I'm so so sorry you are having to go through this. It seems wrong that the people who seem to want kids the most have to struggle with infertility. I can't say that I know how it feels, but I know that my sister has felt the pain of not being able to have her own child. (She had severe endometriosis and after countless surgeries, decided to have a total hysterectomy in her 20's before she was even married). She didn't think she would want kids and she couldn't deal with the pain anymore so she made the choice. And then she got married and wanted nothing more than to have a baby.

Just know that I have faith that you will have the family you've always dreamed of, one day. It might not happen the way you always dreamed, but I know that you will be happy regardless. You're in my prayers sweet girl!

JG said...

Your first sentence absolutely struck me in the heart. Turning 26 last fall was so bittersweet for that exact reason. I tried explaining it to SoldierMan and he just doesn't get it. Sometimes I think men just can't, it's not the same for them. But here I am, closer to 30 than 20, and no children to show for it. And not even a graduate degree or high-profile career to compensate or "explain" why it's still just the two of us.

We're in a different place than you two, we aren't trying yet (you may have guessed, he's still hesitant) and that's fine, I want us both to be on the same page, but man, it hurts to wait. And even though we know adoption is in our future (like in our 30s) I still want to have a biological child or two before then.

lola said...

Sweetheart, you know my heart goes out to you. I wish more than anything that I was back up with you and the girls through all of this. It isn't fair that you guys have to go through this. :( :(

Joan Paulette said...

T i know it's hard and im glad Jess is there for you. I just went in for my last biopsy result and lets just say i was crying out of frustration with the doctor... so i went from june being told 99.9% that the meds would work to 3 biopsies later endometriosis still there... so two more months on meds and instead of a regular biopsy they are going to do a D&C... yay me... i know this totally sucks... and im trying to keep my faith but sometimes its so frustrating... so hopefully after march its gone and we move on but im not getting my hopes up... then i get to do the HSG yay me again... but atleast i know im not alone... thank you for sharing your story... all my prayers with you and J ...

Lucy said...

I hope that your mommy time comes soon! I'm thinking about you guys!