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28 March 2015

Let's Talk...

In early December J and I received some exciting news! We found out we were expecting...naturally. As in I became pregnant naturally and we were in complete shock. I immediately found a doctor who started me on the same medicine I took when I became pregnant with Dean and who began seeing me weekly. My HCG levels began to rise quickly in the beginning and my numbers were even better than what they were when I was pregnant with D and his twin! Things were going well...and for the majority of the first trimester I got to experience the joy of being extremely sick. I couldn't go to bed or get out of bed without crackers for nausea and when I saw that little heartbeat flickering on the screen I was so excited. Anticipation (yet cautious) that we *on our own* had created a second child. I was excited and nervous. Nervous about the idea of a toddler and a newborn, nervous of an anticipated deployment and having a baby alone, and nervous for the pregnancy. I have never had a smooth pregnancy or that joyous moment of here I am pregnant and having a baby in nine months. It has always been a hopeful feeling of everything working out and hope we were about to add to our family. 

Dr. B got to a point where he felt comfortable extending my weekly visits to month long ones and said he felt very confident in my pregnancy. I had *hope* that I did too. J had to leave for two months and to make sure I had help with D for part of that we headed home so I could have help and keep things going smoothly. I did just that and my family was extremely helpful. We returned for my appointment and the day before I just had this feeling...

This pit in my stomach...

This something isn't right...

I don't want to go into details because honestly the pain of it still hurts, but at my appointment I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat. That pregnancy my doctor was so confident in and the one we were so excited about had ended. My husband was 1,500 miles away and there I was...alone...in a cold doctor's office alone with a box of Kleenex while I was "given some time" It hurt. It still hurts. 

Red Cross was suppose to send my husband home, but didn't because when I left that office that day instead of scheduling a D&C at the hospital I asked for some time. A day or two to just gather myself, take care of my son, and deliver the news to my husband. That didn't work for the Red Cross as they wouldn't send J without an actual date for a D&C so his unit sent him home. 

In less than 24 there we stood in the airport hugging. It was the most awkward hug as J muttered the words, "I'm sorry" and I responded with, "I am sorry too." It was quiet. We were quiet. What was there really to say?

Two days later I was admitted to the hospital for the procedure. J had to spend the morning doing all of the duties to get D ready for the day and dropped off with a friend for his playgroup and to be babysat. I sat in the hospital alone and waiting for him to return. A sweet nurse came in as I starred blankly into space and grabbed my hand..."I just want to tell you don't think you did anything wrong. Sometimes it is our bodies way of telling us something is wrong and fixing it."  I burst into tears but have to say she said the right thing at the right moment. Exactly what I needed to hear right then. 

It has been six weeks since I sat in that hospital and today I joyously cherished a period. I have waited six weeks for this day. It sadly closes a door that has been extremely hard on my heart and soul and opens what I hope to be the next chapter in my life. I spend each day rejoicing in my blessings - watching my son run around and play or calling me "mom-mom" and thanking the Lord that if this is it - if this is the long hard journey I have been on to add to my family then I remain thankful and faithful that he is mine. He is the light of my life and his journey here was hard but worth it. The journey to even think of extending our family is obviously going to be hard and so I remain faithful that there is a plan and if this is it then I am thankful for what I have. Lucky to be a mom of not only my son, but of two little angels. 

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I am so sorry for your loss.

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